Category Archives: Retranslation log

Dealing with Wave Theory

Well, this part is taken from Jakuri’s Lv. 2 Cosmosphere, as part of an optional event. However, I think this part wasn’t given the necessary care it should, given that Wave Theory (and all of its derivatives) are the basis of the Ar tonelico world. And don’t worry about spoilers, since this part doesn’t contain any.

(205) :10:10:
JP::この宇宙は波動で構成されています。
EN::This universe is comprised of waves.
NEW:This universe is comprised of waves.

(205) :11:11:
JP::およそビックバンと呼ばれる類の「この」
世界の覚醒たる事象は、たった一つの原子核エクサピーコによってもたらされま
した。
EN::The big bang that awakened this world was caused by a 
little atomic nucleus called the exa pieco.
NEW:The big bang that created ??this?? world was caused by 
just an atomic nucleus called the Exa Pico.

(205) :12:12:
JP::エクサピーコはそういった天文学的種類の波動を、時間という概念では計測
できない程の短い時間内で、猛烈に変動させています。
EN::Exa pieco changes the astronomical wave motions at a rapid 
rate that you cannot measure with time.
NEW:Exa Pico changes the astronomical wave motions at such a 
rapid and violent rate that we cannot measure it with our general 
concept of time.

(205) :13:13:
JP::すると、その短い時間事にバランスを失った波動の力、すなわち(歪み)が
外に放射されることになり――
EN::An unstable force of wave motion for a short amount of time, 
a distortion, is emitted on the outside...
NEW:Because of that, the strength of the wave loses its balance in 
that short period of time. That is, it emits a (distortion) to the 
outside...

(205) :14:14:
JP::波動科学でもおなじみの「導体波」が導き出されます。
EN::Provoking a conducting wave, as you’re familiar with from 
wave science.
NEW:Deriving into a ??Dynamic Wave??, which you should know by 
now from wave science.

(205) :15:15:
JP::D波、H波以外にも当然導体波は存在します。
EN::There are many conducting waves,
including D-waves and H-waves.
NEW:Naturally, there are several classes of Dynamic Waves, 
including D-Waves and H-Waves.

(205) :16:16:
JP::そしてその導体波は、この世界空間を伝播していき、彼(エクサピーコ)の
「宇宙」を作ります。
EN::All the conducting waves will transmit through the air and 
create the universe of exa pieco.
NEW:Thus、 the Dynamic Waves will propagate through the space of 
this world、 creating the Universe of Exa Pico.

(205) :17:17:
JP::宇宙とは、世界の中でエクサピーコが影響を及ぼしている地域のことになり
ます。
EN::This universe is a place that is affected by exa pieco.
NEW:Therefore、 the Universe turns into an area in the world where 
Exa Pico exerts its influence.

...

(205) :29:29:
JP::さて、これらの導体波は、新たな定常波を生みます。
EN::Well, so those conducting waves will produce new standing 
waves.
NEW:Well, those Dynamic Waves will produce new Static Waves.

(205) :30:30:
JP::それはエクサピーコの産み出した導体波が、世界に広がるナムの海に作用し
た結果であり、
EN::This is a result after the conducting waves produced by exa 
pieco have affected the Sea of Nam.
NEW:That is the result of the Dynamic Waves created by Exa Pico 
expanding their area of effect in the world, starting with a point in 
the Sea of Num.

(205) :31:31:
JP::その結果、その地点のナムの海は宇宙となるのです。
EN::From this, you can say that the Sea of Nam is the universe 
at this point.
NEW:As a result, that point of the Sea of Num turns into the 
Universe.

(205) :32:32:
JP::一般的な波動論でも定説である「波動の干渉」によって、導体D波というエ
ネルギーが…
EN::Just as an established theory of the universal wave theory, an 
energy of a conducting D-wave by...
NEW:Just as the popular yet established wave theory of ??Wave 
Interference?? says, an energy known as a Dynamic D-Wave...

(205) :33:33:
JP::その地点の振幅0周波数0の空間に、振幅と周波数を与えるのです。
EN::The ??interference of a wave?? will determine the amplitude 
and frequency of the initial space at zero.
NEW:Determines the amplitude and frequency of a point whenever 
the amplitude and frequency of the space it occupates is zero.

I know this is something difficult to understand, but NISA’s version doesn’t make any sense in many points (not to mention modifying the terminology that was already established).

Luca Self-Summary Slipup

Luca’s Cosmosphere level 5 spoilers ahead.

I’m nearly done with level 5, just need to finish rechecking and cleaning it up a bit. I hit this part while doing that, though, and it seemed like prime blogging material. So here you go:

Luca(0) :11:11: 
JP::先にも言ったけど、これはバラを育てていた子
   「水音」によって引き起こされた。
EN::It was Mizune who grew all those roses.
NEW:Like I said before, this was caused by
   that girl Mizune who grew the roses.

Luca(0) :12:12: 
JP::貴方は、彼女についてどう思っていた?
   もし、警戒心が無かった、もしくは薄かったのであれば、
   それは『私』の思うつぼ。
EN::How did she do that? Weren’t you
   suspicious of her? And if not,
   then why are you of me?
NEW:What did you think of her?
   If you weren't wary of her, or only faintly,
   you played right into "my" hands.

Luca(0) :13:13: 
JP::それが私…『ルカ』のやり口。
EN::That is how I...Luca wants it.
NEW:That’s my... "Luca's" way.

Lines 11 and 13 miss the point, and that’s bad enough, but what happened on line 12? No one ever suggested that Croix was suspicious of witch Luca. She’s trying to get the point across that Luca is a very devious person, and her example is that Mizune fouled things up horribly for Croix without rousing his suspicions at all. That’s the way Luca does things. So maybe Croix ought to be suspicious of witch Luca after all, since even though she’s helping him, she’s still Luca, and by her own admission, devious… but her tale doesn’t unfold until level 6, so I won’t confirm or deny anything here.

Verbosity is Not the Enemy

Moderate spoilers for Luca’s Cosmosphere level 2, only partially mitigated by lack of context.

The biggest thing that struck me when reading back through level 2 was the number of lines that are overly abbreviated in the English version. While I approve of being clever with your wording and not using more words that you have to, the meaning has to come first. So here are the three most severe offenders from level 2, in my opinion.

Luca(0) :20:20: 
JP::完全な想いの産物の詩魔法は、どんな性格でどんな行動を
   取るかわからないから、セラピ空間では危なくて使えないから。
EN::The real magic born from their emotions could
   be dangerous to use for therapy.
NEW:When song magic's a result of complete feelings,
   you can't tell what personality it will have or
   what actions it will take, so it's too dangerous
   to use in the therapy space.

Here, the main idea still comes through just fine. Completely original magic is risky to use for therapy. However, the reasoning behind why it’s dangerous is completely lost.

Luca(0) :5:5: 
JP::無理してパラダイムシフト起こしても、今回みたいにかえって
   クロアに迷惑かけちゃうし。
EN::Even if I tried to make you happy, I couldn't
   like this time around.
NEW:Even if I force myself to have Paradigm Shifts,
   it's just going to cause you more trouble instead,
   like it did this time.

Here, it’s more difficult to grasp the intended meaning (and I think there’s a comma missing, too). More importantly, it’s unclear what exactly she means by “tried to make you happy” or why she “couldn’t” do it, and what exactly “this time” means is also a bit vague. The original is perfectly clear, though: She forced herself to have a Paradigm Shift, it made trouble for him, and doing it again would just cause him more trouble.

Goro(134) :40:40: 
JP::まあでも、階層が深くなって行くにつれて、そんな浅い
   ラブラブなんて出来なくなってくるのね。
EN::Anyway, it won't be like this once you
  go deeper.
NEW:But anyhow, as the strata get deeper,
  you'll be less and less able to do any
  shallow lovey-dovey stuff.

So… what won’t be like what, exactly? It’s not quite as bad in context, since the next line does mention flirting, but it still doesn’t get to the point. The point being that this “shallow lovey-dovey stuff” just won’t cut it much longer. As you advance deeper into the Soulspace, it becomes increasingly difficult to get anything done, and an increasingly deep connection is required. Superficial feel-good sorts of things won’t do any good.

Ah well, could be worse. At least most of the level still comes across well enough.

Luca and Insecurity

I’m scanning Luca’s earlier levels for interesting tidbits now. This one’s from level 1:

So maybe it’s just me, but the JP text seems to establish Luca’s need for other people’s approval and sensitivity to what they think of her more quickly and powerfully than the US version.

Luca(0) :8:8: 
JP::何をやっても、誰に怒られることもない世界なんだよ。
EN::We won’t get into trouble. We can do anything.
NEW:No matter what we do, we won’t get anyone mad
 at us in this world.

Note how the emphasis is on how she would feel about other people’s reactions. It’s not getting in trouble that she’s worried about, it’s doing something that would result in people being mad at her. The difference is subtle but important.

Luca(0) :14:14: 
JP::うん!
ほら、現実世界だと、大の大人が鬼ごっこ
するなんて、恥ずかしくて出来ないでしょ?
EN::Yep! We can’t play it in the real world since
 we’re too old and people would just laugh at us.
NEW:Yeah!
 See, if this were the real world, it would be too
 embarrassing for adults to play tag, right?

Luca(0) :15:15: 
JP::だけど、ここなら思いっきり走り回っても、誰もいないから全然恥ずかしくないよっ!
EN::We can run around as much as we want without
 embarrassing ourselves!
NEW:But here, we can run around all we want, and it’s
 not the least bit embarrassing since no one’s here!

Again, the emphasis is on how she would feel because of other people. It’s not playing tag that she finds embarrassing, it’s being seen playing tag.

So I don’t know French either, but…

Here’s a quick example of those internal inconsistencies we keep mentioning.

First, an excerpt from level 3 of Luca’s Cosmosphere:

Luca(0) :17:17: 
JP::名付けて、「シャロン・ド・トロワ」よっ!
EN::I call it "Chalon de Trois"!
NEW:I name it "Chalon de Trois"!

Okay, so far so good. Then, early on the very next level:

Luca(0) :0:0: 
JP::はい、どうぞ!
シャロン・ド・トロワ。
私の自慢料理だよっ!!
EN::Here you go! Shalon de Trois, my best recipe!
NEW:Here you go!
Chalon de Trois.
It's my best recipe!

Personally, “croissant” is about the extent of my French vocabulary (at least, I’m pretty sure that’s French), but they can’t both be right. And this was a fairly distinctive term, with both appearances in normal dialog (as opposed to a menu item, a graphic, etc.), and without much of a gap between uses. Please tell me we can do a better job of proofreading?

Less Unhappy

A glaring mistake in one of the game’s most crucial dramatic scenes.

Cloche(1) :64:64: 
JP::どうせ後に不幸が待ってるなら、
最初から不幸の方がいいんだもん… ぐすっ…
EN::If I have to go through the pain of losing you someday, 
I'd rather be less unhappy the whole time... *sob*
NEW:If sadness will just be waiting for me anyway, 
I'd rather be sad to begin with. *sob*

Junk Heap

Many spoilers for Cloche’s Cosmosphere Level 7.

Weak:

Cloche(1) :8:8: 
JP::身体を持たない程に微弱になった存在が、
こんな事出来るわけ無い筈なんだけど…他に考えようがないもの。
EN::It's supposed to be impossible to do this without its body, 
but I can't think of any other reasons.
NEW:It shouldn't be possible, in their weakened, bodiless state. 
But there's no other explanation.

“You’re us”:

Cloche(1) :13:13: 
JP::貴方は私達クローシェにとっての希望…。
そんな貴方を殺してみたら、どうなるかしら。
EN::You're us, Cloche's hope... What if I killed you?
NEW:You represent hope to us, to Cloche. 
So what would happen if I were to kill you?

“Everyone” means Cloche, as there are only two people involved in a Dive:

Cloche(1) :15:15: 
JP::この世界で永遠の罠にはめるってのもいいわね。
ダイブし終わった後に、貴方だけ起きてこない状態になるから…
EN::I could trap you in here forever too.
 After the Dive, everyone will wake up except for you...
NEW:Or, I could trap you in this world forever. 
You wouldn't wake up from the dive.

Destruction:

Cloche(1) :35:35: 
JP::破滅願望自体は、多かれ少なかれ、誰でも持っている願望よ。
でも、今の私ほど大きな破滅願望を持っている人は希じゃないかしら?
EN::Everyone possesses a wish for self destruction, 
one way or the other, but don't you think it's rare to 
see someone that wishes for it so strong like me?
NEW:Everyone has a self-destructive impulse, more or less.
But a desire as potent as mine may be quite rare.

It reads like a non-native English speaker wrote this bit:

Cloche(1) :36:36: 
JP::人は、自分と世界の幸せを、相対的な距離で常に計っているわ。
そして、世界に比べあまりに自分が不幸と感じると…
EN::People compare their happiness to the average, 
and if the difference seems so big, sometime...
NEW:People consider their happiness relative to the 
rest of the world. And if they see that they are relatively unhappy...

More non-native-seeming stuff:

(25) :58:58:
JP::これだけ謎を残したままクローシェのコスモスフィアから撤退するなんて、
なんだかすっっっごい、負けた気分なのよ!
EN::I felt like a loser, leaving alone this Cloche's Cosmosphere 
filled with mysteries!
NEW:I couldn't stand leaving behind Cloche's Cosmosphere, 
full of all these unsolved mysteries!

“Just sad”, indeed:

(25) :62:62:
JP::うるさいわね…さっきから言ってるでしょ?
私は自分の知的好奇心と、心の充足を得るために、ここに戻ってきたのよ。
EN::Oh, shut up... That's what I just sad. 
I came back out of a curiosity, and to fulfill my knowledge.
NEW:Oh, shut up... Like I just said, 
I came back to satisfy my own curiosity and settle my mind.

Inaccurate and ungrammatical:

(25) :69:69:
JP::本来どの階層においても、自己の人格否定が行われた場合、
全ての階層においてその影響が均一に発生するわ。
EN::There should be an equal affect to all the levels, 
even if one of the personalities get rejected.
NEW:If on any one stratum a persona nullification occurs, 
it shoud take effect equally on the other strata.

Just wrong:

(25) :92:92:
JP::さっきは戦略上濁したけど、
あの悪魔の姿のクローシェが他の人格を制御できるはずがない。
EN::I struggled a little bit, but there is no way that 
devilish Cloche can regulate the other personalities.
NEW:Contrary to what I let on to her, I don't actually 
think that that devil-Cloche could suppress the other personas.

Motivation

Spoilers for Cloche’s Cosmosphere.

Here, the first line’s meaning is mostly lost, because of inaccurate and ungrammatical translation.

When 行動理念 first appears, it’s the completely wrong “the idea I have”. The second time it’s the slightly better, but still incorrect, “philosophy”, but the sense that Cloche is about to reveal the reasons behind her recent behavior is completely lost.

The third time, we get “the reason for your action”. Closer, but so disconnected in its grammar and in meaning that it barely makes sense with the scenes and lines leading up to it.

Finally, the punchline: someone thought that “a wish to destruction” was a perfectly fine translation. “Only if Infel was here” is icing.

Cloche(1) :25:25: 
JP::それは、私の存在…そして行動理念が、
クローシェの他の人格とは一線を画しているものだから。
EN::It has to do with my existence... 
and the idea I have is a little different with 
the other personalities.
NEW:Well, my existence... and my motivations... 
are distinct from those of Cloche's other personas.

Croix(3) :26:26:
JP::…え!?
EN::...What!?
NEW:Huh!?

Cloche(1) :27:27: 
JP::私の行動理念は…
EN::My philosophy is...
NEW:My motivation is...

[...]

Cloche(1) :31:31: 
JP::やれやれ…身体は消滅しても、まだ尚何かの人格がしぶとく食い下がっているようね。
EN::Oh man... Even if the body is gone, 
some kind of personality is still struggling through its way.
NEW:Oh dear... Even with its body annihilated, 
it seems that some persona is still stubbornly hanging on

Croix(3) :32:32:
JP::待て!
お前の行動理念は一体…
EN::Wait! What is the reason for your action...
NEW:Wait! What is your motivation?

Cloche(1) :33:33: 
JP::…破滅願望。
EN::...Wish to destruction.
NEW:...Self-destruction.

Croix(3) :34:34:
JP::破滅願望だって…!?
EN::A wish to destruction...!?
NEW:Self-destruction!?

Croix(3) :35:35:
JP::どうしたらいい…。
こんな時に、インフェルがいてくれたら…
ちくしょう…
EN::What should I do... Only if Infel was here to help... Dammit...
NEW:What am I going to do... If only Infel were here to help me... Dammit...

Progress Report

Well, just an small new this time:

Jakuri’s Cosmosphere has been completely translated!

And the other translators in the team are doing good progress with Cloche’s Cosmosphere (up to Lv. 6-R), and Luca’s Cosmosphere (up to Lv. 3), and I’ll be seeing what I’ll translate next.

Huh?

Well, while working on Jakuri’s Lv. 6 scripts, I found this little line (it’s the answer to a question that Croix makes during a certain point):

???(132) :2:2:
JP::シルヴァホルン。<LINE>
世界の詩魔法力の源にして、世界を支配する力を持つもの。
EN::It’s the Silver Horn that can rule
the entire world by using all the magic 
power it can absorb.
NEW:The Silver Horn. It's the source of
Symphonic Power for the world, and
as such, it also holds the power to
control the world itself.

To me this doesn’t seem to convey the same meaning at all (especially after knowing what was the Horn’s purpose in the story of the first Ar tonelico and how it’s related to Jakuri). And on another note, I have noticed that the term “Symphonic Power”, which was so important and used extensively in Ar tonelico 1’s localization (as the equivalent for “Song Magic Power” or “magical power”) is completely absent from the localization for Ar tonelico II.